February 02, 2016

7+Poop/15

Time to reflect back to my new year resolutions now that January has come to an end. Just FYI, this has been my laptop wallpaper ever since I jot it down.


JK.

13 days after I penned them down, I realised they have to be practiced. It's amusing I've already altered a few.

1. I started with a lazy, lousy schedule, skipping a little of this and that but not anymore. As of today, 3.5km run and 30 minutes of working out is happening. I skipped the second part because good food for life. (1/1)
2. Honestly, I forgot about this resolution. Just checked Goodreads and here's what I found:
I'm saved. And just like Goodreads said: "You're on track!" (1/1)
3. Started saving for Leh. (0.5/1)
4. The plan has been made and will be executed by end of the year. So I'm good. (0.5/1)
5. Err.. okay. Time to set some actions straight for this one. (0/1)
6. Does being creative include drawing weird doodles like these on office's white board?


No? OK. What about this caption?


No? Kewl. What about this amazing black coffee?


No? FINE. (0/1)

7. Enrolled myself into driving school. Have to find time to start learning. Given this is my whole year's resolution, the speed is just fine. (0.5/1)
8. Colleagues showering tips every now and then. The market is down. Saved for later. (0.5/1)
9. Still stuck between "Comfortably numb" and "Shine on you crazy diamond". Also not sure which body part will get lucky. Final status: On hold. (0.5/1)
10. Not happening anytime soon. (0/1)
11. I found my broken flute. Tried playing "hum honge kaamyaab" but it sounded like "poop poop poop" Showed its way to the trash. No idea what I'm going to do further about this resolution. (Poop/1)
12. Jan 1, Jan 18, Jan 23 and Feb 2; the graph is growing satisfactorily. (1/1)
13. In progress. (0.5/1)
14. Already searching for places. Planning to merge my Leh resolution but I'm scared to die in snow alone. Amusingly weird, I know. (0.5/1)
15. Scuba diving soon it is. (0.5/1)

I'm proud I've been fair at keeping them. Final score: 7+Poop/15.

January 23, 2016

I could never be like my mom

In the past few days, I have come to analyze every aspect of why I can never be like my mum. She started making chapatis at about 10 years of age and by 11, she already made wonderful, round chapatis. I am 20, I can only make them round but always end up under or overcooking them. Even though, she lived in a small house compared to the one we live in today, she would broom and mop it everyday after school. (Holy shit!) All I remember doing was throwing my stuff off and lazying around till it was time for tuition. Post that, she would attend her classes and come home with a bag full of vegetables. Jump to age 16, she handled the whole house and managed her college. At 18, like any other parents of that time, her too started to find the soulmate for her. Nobody in her family, even after being middle class, was orthodox but they just followed the suit of society back then, in the 90s. She completed 19 years on 2nd Dec, '94 and married my dad on 4th Dec, '94. She was no more Geeta but now Sneha. My aunt's name is Geeta too and hence, she had to change hers.

My father's family sucks, to be very honest. He is the youngest of them all, with two elder sisters and one eldest brother. The only people I love is my dad, late grandpa (who I don't have much memories with), my late grandma (who I respected only few days before she passed away), a sister and two brothers. That's it. All the others are just negative to have around.

Back to mum's life. Given she got married at 19, I'm sure you might have guessed by now that she left her college. My dad lived in a place called Ambivali, which truly sucks. It's like an abandoned land and more like a village. Still is. My mum, coming from an open minded place like Juhu, survived here. I mean it totally when I say it. As a child, I have read a journal she maintained. She was never a victim of domestic physical violence but the cheap mentality and thinking of the others around her totally sucked; pure mental torture. My father, I don't know why, was helpless back then.

The place where they lived sucked so much, that my mum was eve-teased even when she was visibly pregnant. 

14th November '95, I was born. My mum's side jumped with joy while my dad's hated me except my grandpa. They all wanted a boy. In her journal, I remember reading something that said,"Sonu is born today. Deepak (my dad) cried today. We are so happy. She (me) is an angel and we love her and I'll do anything for this wonderful child."

I was born even before their first wedding anniversary. Last November, I turned 20, the exact age, my mum gave birth to me. Back in her life, shit continued to happen. She continued to hear the taunts but she dealt with it because her life included me.

Somewhere in '96, my nanu (mum's dad) gifted them a house in Airoli and we all shifted here. Things thankfully got better for good, at least bearable. I even remember reading a suicide note that said she would leave my sister and me at my nanu's place and then die. I read that when I was about 14 and I cried too much after reading it. All I asked myself was "Why did she bear all this? Why didn't she speak up? Why did she never share this with anyone?" I felt angry and sad at the same time.

On 28th July '98, my sister was born and again nobody except my mum's family and dad were happy. A few days before the delivery, my grandpa had passed away. The torture continued to happen. Nothing much changed.

My mum soon started taking tuition because she wanted me to study in a CBSE school. And for that, I'll forever be grateful to her. My dad was no rockstar back then so they both worked hard enough to keep me and my sister happy.

13th July 2002, my brother entered this world and that's when people left her body alone. By the age of 26, she had three children to take care of, manage a grumpy old mother-in-law and tolerate mind-fucking relatives.

The financial struggles continued to exist because both my siblings followed suit. CBSE schools back then cut the pocket too deep but my parents still managed it.

2003, my mum opened a playschool, started earning and saving for herself and us because dad was too blinded by his sisters and brothers who shamelessly looted him.

1st August 2007, we shifted to a new, bigger house in Airoli itself which was close to my mum's playschool. I'm so glad that there were people who helped her out, financially, morally, and emotionally to run this playschool. She loves kids so it was pretty obvious, my mum was doing mighty well.

Things got better with time before 2011 hit. My grandma who was totally healthy decided to give up. She stuck to her bed. Please add the nonsense my dad's sisters added in her mind that it was time and soon she'll die. She did, in 2013. And my grandma was blinded by all the nonsense my dad's sisters visited often just to feed her mind that she will die soon.

My mum, who had been tortured by this very same woman for a good part of her life, took care of her perfectly till the end. Given my grandma's worsening situation, my dad's sister stayed a whole month before she gave up on 7th Dec that she wasn't going to die, only to come back on 8th and find her dead.

My mum was feeding her water that morning and that's when she took her last breath. Mum says those last few moments, my grandma looked at her with respect and love.

Things really didn't end here. Now there was going to equal partition of all little that my grandma possessed. We totally stepped out of this. My mum and dad were not even closely interested in that shit.

For all the rituals, the whole khaandan stayed at my place for almost half a month. I didn't cry at my grandma's death while everybody around was howling. And of course, the howling was all too fake. I still remember that mum, dad and I cried before the fakers swayed in and then later when all the drama was over, 15 days later, we cried like hell. We all had our own reasons. Mine were that I didn't understand the petty selfishness those people had developed and because I would miss the way my grandma made plain paper dosa. That's it.

There are a few more broken pieces like my mum ending the friendship with her best friend; simply because she advised to ask my dad's salary back then. A time when she slipped about her abortion to me but I have no more details because I didn't (still don't) have the guts to bring that out. Back then, my aunts, their kids used to spend the whole summer at our place and if calculated, my dad spent about 1L just completing their demands.

My mum has had a crazy life. But things of course got better. I grew up too. Grew up enough to fire back my grumpy grandma, aunts, uncle and kill their egos, shame and shut them down whenever possible.

The happy ending is my mum is living her life now. She even got herself not only a Bachelor's but also a Master's degree. She is back to teaching the little ones but not back to having a playschool, which works fine. My dad, after my grandma's death has clearly realized who is more important. He stopped spending money on the useless nuts. She hated cooking. So, I got her a cook. There are maids to do all the households. And when it comes to the dad's family, I only talk to my 2 brothers and one sister. Everybody else is non-existent.

I asked my mum why she carried the unnecessary weight and all she replied was,"I had different reasons at different times. Before and after marriage, my only goal was to keep my parents happy. I didn't mention how much my life sucked to anybody because I wouldn't break it off with your dad. He was loving, that much I knew. But more than that, it was my own dad's respect I cared about, his decision to find the right man for me. Then you kids were born and my life rotated around you."

And, that's exactly why I can never be her.

January 18, 2016

Dear 15 year old.

You will love yourself too much. You will grow up too soon, realize life is tougher than what it looks like. But, you will come to accept and love it. You will be happy nevertheless. You will be there for yourself. There won't be any Prince Charming. Your Disney movies are going to be an epic fail. You will wake up to reality. You will understand that and live with it. You will also come to realize that Prince Charming isn't your type. That there is no type. That you are too contended with yourself. You will be a queen of your own nonexistent kingdom. You will break promises, you will break hearts too. You will like brains more than looks. You will make mistakes; humongous, gigantic, heartbreaking mistakes but you will rise above them all. You will come to love sunrise and sunsets more than you love those fancy lights in your room. Your best friend will be a book. Yes, at least, you will agree to history on that one. You will grow up too soon, too fast. Sometimes, you will realize it and love it. But, there will be times where you will downright loathe it. You will still be scared of reptiles and dogs, except that of your neighbour's. You will take that handsome for a walk one day. You will come to realize you have some amazing friends. The very same idiots that you spent your teens with. You will also find a soothing peace in Gilmour's guitar, especially when you will be drenched in rain and accompanied by a sunset. You will still love the stars. In fact, you will love them more. You will realize money isn't worth the effort. There are better things to do in life, like doing the work you love. And, you will do that. You are also going to turn out as a real badass, an asshole of a kind, a pain in the butt of many. Unlike the ones who predicted your tomboy phase will be over soon (Too bad for them). You'll cry. Alone. But, you'll just be fine. You'll get over shit and find your way out. Your non-belief in God will just go stronger and turn you into a pure atheist. Your parents will suck at parenting or may be, you will suck at being a daughter but things will get fine. And then get bad again. Then fine again. Then bad again. Then you will both just grow tired of it and leave the other the fuck alone. You will be a great bathroom singer. Music will be your escape from something you don't know, will never know. You will meet some great people. You will want them to be around forever but nothing lasts forever. I'm guessing you will be just good. You will still be scared of ghosts. You will still cry at movies but better ones, like Angry Indian Goddesses, Fury, The Shawshank Redemption and more (Conjuring too). You will have your way into and out of shit. Your default reaction will be a laugh. You will laugh at anything and everything. You will miss being fifteen a lot. You will get responsible (or may be, not). Your bucket list will include “Being bald”, so show off all the love you have for your hair. You will learn many new, hard, easy, crazy things. You will experience the sunrise and sunset from 13,800 ft. above sea level. You will be scared as fuck all the while but you will still do it. You will also do some extremely crazy shit. You will stop keeping a journal. You will throw those books away because you'll feel stupid reading them. You are going to have one hell of a relationship. It will end real bad but you'll learn from it. You will evolve to be a YouTube junkie. Turn people around you into one and be proud about it. You will secretly cry to “Don't you worry child” and never know why. Oh girl, you will be a bird, flying high, flying all by yourself, sometimes pushed back by the wind, then pushed back by some around you, but you will breeze through it all. You will be who you want to be even if that turns you into a selfish bitch. You won't care much because you will know you are okay with yourself. You will live with it. You will just fucking live with it well enough.

January 01, 2016

Past, present, future

2015 has been one grand year for me. Apart from the usual materialistic goals, 2015 has given me peace. It is one of those life settling years where things changed for good. I'm going to miss it dearly. Of course, I'll be holding on tightly to the memories of the classy, sexy, sassy 2015.

I never kept resolutions. Till 2015, I was more of a person who would do the unexpected. But, 2016 feels awesomely different and hence, I plan to make a plan. Here are some of things that I want to achieve by the end of 2016:

1. Jog daily, follow a diet
2. Complete my goodread's reading challenge
3. Visit Leh
4. Go Goa
5. Implement at least one of my ideas
6. Be more creative
7. Get a driving license
8. Learn more about share markets and trading, start investing
9. Get inked
10. Learn a new language
11. Find my flute, play it, play new tones
12. Write more, on this blog
13. Move out, be a nomad
14. Make a solo trip somewhere far
15. Try at least one breathtaking adventure

As of today, this list sounds pretty sorted. Be good, 2016. I'll love you nevertheless.

December 09, 2015

A needed breeze

Me and my girlfriends were already ultra excited to see the Nalin's "Angry Indian Goddesses". The trailer with the chick flick was breathtakingly promising. And turns out, the movie was just what we wanted it to be. There were twisted turns but they lead to a deserving end.

Angry Indian Goddesses starts with introduction of seven BOLD ladies. All of them dealing with problems any female faces in this country. It hurt to watch some brutal scenes but it made me realize something. All of them are real. All of those screwed scenes happen in real life. Around you and me. In our society. In this country. That's the most heartbreaking part when it comes to the movie.

The story isn't simply about those seven females losing their mind. It is much more than that. It is about the reality we need to wake up to. A reality we need to face as a country and cut it off from the roots. As far as the movie concerns, it is more of an eye opener and all I'm hoping is that it succeeds to open many eyes. Many complained it to be short, a little exaggerated, but to me, it is perfect. In fact, too good for us to at least start knowing and accepting the reality.

I also have this gargantuan hatred for censorship but that could be a different blogpost. For now, the main question: Just why haven't you watched Angry Indian Goddesses yet?